Never again will there be a word on a page
That ever has the words love and Todd Young in the same sentence again
He’s the kind of monster that hides quietly under the bed
Waiting for the perfect time to strike
Vicious and cruel, never hesitating to scream out the things that are better off unsaid
A predator of the worst sort full of darkness and hate undeserving of all the things
That make good men great
December 22nd 2001
In front of your mom
And in front of your son
We pledged to love and
Protect each others hearts forever
Things weren’t always easy
Forgiveness was given aplenty
But side by side we stayed
Even if it would have been easier to run
What happened to the man
Who clasped my heart
As though it were a delicate piece of glass
Did you forget that
You promised to never break it?
Held together with broken promises
And undiscovered dreams
Showing me this fantasy
Was never quite what it seemed
Although it hurts to know
that people chose him easily over me
I know the scary truth and of course
So does he
The problem was, he hid it well
So the addict was the person they all knew
But everyone forgot that it was I who knew him best
I guess that made it easier for me to believe in what I knew unfortunately was true.
In my total devestation, I had to realize the scary ugly truth
This man I’d planned my life with
The one I thought that I could change
Had one true love he cherished and sadly that’s not me.
It’s a race to save his image
A life that was never anything
But fake
I’m the one he’ll sacrifice
It’s more than my heart he’s
Willing to break
He’s never quite come to realize
That I’ve never been a threat
Instead he’s focused more on hiding
The person that he is
Keeping me a stranger so
So close but still unmet.
I’ve carried all his guilt, struggled
Beneath his shame
Willing to throw me in the mud
To protect the addiction that he loves
doing what it takes to keep his good respected name
The day it is approaching, where you all will know that I was right
The thought brings no enjoyment it’s like walking blindly into the night
My only wish sincerely is that this time he won’t give up
I know It isn’t something
That I’ll ever get to see
Instead of saving him
This time, I’m going to do my best to save a broken me.
But
A Thunderstorm and a Tornado
He was full of fire and her heart was carved of ice.
In the beginning they swirled together feeding off the intensity of thier passion and beleiving that one without the other could not exist long.
So different, yet drawn together like magnets, they raged–and fought the inevitability of their nature.
His was an existance forged in love. Not once had he ever doubted his worth. She was molded from the idea that she was worthless bringing nothing of value to this earth.
He knew love from his own experience. Everything she knew about love was wrong.
He took a chance hoping that her unpreditability would not destroy him and all along she feared she could never live up to his greatness.
In the end, neither his white lightening nor her chaotic force were enough to change what they were or what they thought they knew.
Neither were willing to give up being the power of a storm to be content as gentle rain. He gave up trying to melt her heart and she chose to hang onto her pain…
I’m looking at you with different eyes An empty abyss where once I glimpsed my future This shell I see poised on the spot Where once I thought there was a hero. Stifling my spirit in hopes I won’t be Brave enough to rise I used to think you would be enough. To chase away my demons. Now realizing you were too busy Trying to outrun your own. To ever be the man I’d need. When things weren’t perfect. Or when life got tough. I hope you find this thing you seek. The reward that appreciates your value. And then maybe you’ll get the chance to feel. That a love too strong to sacrifice Is not the thing that will ever make a strong man look weak.
The human soul is a complicated puzzle
A melting pot of experiences
A silent battle of all we aspire to be
Versus who we actually are
Every choice, every chance, every jagged edge
Blurring the borders of what makes us whole
Keeping us stuck, unfinished, the scattered prices of our soul.
I know you think your so fucking smart
Believe it easy to do this thing and get away
You always have had a way of underestimating me.
Through all odds, and all the ways you tried your best to hold me back
Full of fire and focused determination
Full of all the hope and love and good that you lack
You would know this if you ever got to know me
Instead your focus has remained on only you.
I won’t give up without a fight, you should know
By the way I always fought for you
I know now you never deserved it
That’s the guilt I’ll have no choice but to contain
But if you think I’ll just give up you’re insane
It’s the fact that I know you truly ARE that ties me up in all these knots
You have had so much time to spin a tale
A story you needed people to believe
This has been the outcome in your mind for far to long
I’m not sure why you think your plan for me is so damn easy
But if you think it’s something I’ll just allow to happen
You are wrong
A. Y.
To those of you still asking if I’m alright
Especially the ones I tried to talk to once before
I’m done with finding explanations to ease your mind so you won’t worry
Knowing just how easy it was for you to ignore.
How obvious it was that I had nothing to gain by such a lie
While he had no choice but to deceive you all so he could hide
In that moment, heart exposed, gouged by all the trauma
You chose the easy way and rallied by his side
So don’t come looking to me for any answers you may seek
I only have one more thing I hope you’ll try to hear
The blocks he’s stacked around himself
To build his ego,
The building blocks of evil, lies and pride
The cracks are slowly turning into craters
Soon his fake world will be a warzone
Those he loved scattered among debris
You’ll finally know the truth of my devastation
All the fear I tried so hard to make you see
In that final moment, torn between disgust, pity and guilt
You’ll have regrets, please know that I do to
But in the end, although still so hard to understand
I promise to be the bigger person, try to forgive and understand.
Just do better the next time .
Here overlooking the landscape of desperation
The place I thought I’d buried all my heartache
Lying amongst tatters of broken promises
And long lost memories.
Soul in shatters, I’ve given you everything there was for you to take
Like always, I’m sure you think it’s less than you deserve
Maybe that’s what made us so easy for you to forsake.
The day we left this spot
I never dreamed that we’d be back
But I here I sit searching for what it was that stole your soul
Now knowing that no matter the answer it won’t be enough to make you whole.
I had a dream that we would build
The perfect future
A life built on a foundation of love and trust
A fantasy dismantled from the inside out
My hopes, desperate and dying on this cold hard slab
Where once stood the box I fought so hard to escape
Now knowing that was impossible because I still had what made it broken by my side.
The saddest part about this
Is that you still think you’re absolutely right
That my attitudes the problem
That I’m the cause of every fight
You say I bring no value
That I’m your biggest and worst mistake
I wish the people looking in would
Notice you’re nothing but a fake
You smile and talk and hold my hand
Pretend to be devoted at my side
Just long enough to fool people
Until we’re alone again outside
You think I’ll never speak the truth
That no one will ever choose to believe me
That’s a chance I’ll have to take to finally be free.
His ego fuels his actions
I’m just the source of his supply
I let him make me think
That I was less than
Not enough
He told people I was ill and that coping with me was tough
It made my circle smaller
Which was the way he meant for it to be
So when I finally had the nerve to leave
I had noone on my side but me
But even if I go alone, with noone ever even knowing
Or if you think I’m cruel to him and that I truly must be lying
The truth lives deep inside me
Among the shatters of my heart
The price I paid for proving that we were better off apart
I know he’ll try to bait me
Try to prove he has control
He’s addicted to the power
He’ll try to strip away my soul
His cruelty is a weapon that has always worked before
His words that make me doubt
Myself
Keep me from stepping through the door
So here I sit just wondering
If he’ll really let me get away
How far he’ll go to keep me trapped under him day after day after day
Ive already been stifled, slowly suffocated from life
As those of you keep watching
Thinking me lucky to be his wife.
